i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
