You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
