I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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