why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
