hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
