I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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