Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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