i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
