she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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