respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
love makes seman taste better
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
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