Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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