I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
