I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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