his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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