Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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