I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
