is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
