i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
