Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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