Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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