I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
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John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
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Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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