I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
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I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
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As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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