My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
