look no pants
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
So many bounce houses so little time
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
