Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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