Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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