Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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