you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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