you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
