I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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