her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
