somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
