I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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