You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
