then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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