There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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