so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
