3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
