why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize