dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
