Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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