If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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