Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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