ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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