my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My penis needs a shock collar
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
