He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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