fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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