The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
