I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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