you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
