Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
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