4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Are we still banned from the library?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
