My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
