dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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