I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
