I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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