According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
