I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
