dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
